Oh, my bowties. I had this terrible, horrible, God awful dream where I was in this strange room that consisted of a stage and circular tables with beautiful china and luxurious linens. However, at each one of these gorgeous tables sat these frightfully, fugly people that were far too skinny with heads too big for their bodies and who obviously had no clue what sunlight was! Even scarier still, was the hideous fashions they were sporting. Only, nobody else thought their clothing was disgusting. In fact, everyone thought their clothing was.. amazing!?! And worse yet, everyone seemed to be under the
spell impression that these average lookin’ mofos were actually… dare I say it… beautiful.. and… wait for it… talented. I know! Try and stay with me bowties for things only go downhill from here. I began to panic. Why can’t anyone see the disasters that I see? What happened to all common sense?!? Out of the corner of my eye, I see a magazine. I quickly grab it only to find page after page desperately trying to brainwash me into praising, fawning, and glorifying these same dreadful beings and heralding them as the second coming of the Messiah!
No, no, no! The walls, stage, and tables were closing in on me now. There was nowhere to run. I needed relief. I ran to the telly (yes, telly. Hey, its my dream and yes, there is a TV) only to find that every single channel was devoted to hours of rhetoric that was trying to convince me that these “actors” were genuinely talented and the most beautiful creatures on Earth who should be worshiped till no end.. like some sadistic cult! The agony. The horror. The fear. Well, needless to say, I thankfully awoke from my nightmare in a cold and unforgiving sweat. I leaped out of bed and turned on the television.. and… There. It. Was. It wasn’t just some horrible dream. Nope. It was a nightmare come to life. It was, the 2017 Golden Globe Awards!
Well my bowties, here we are again at the start of yet another awards season. And as expected the 2017 Golden Globes kicked off this gruesome, gory, ultra-violent slugfest of a battle between award shows all vying to kick the living daylights out of the Academy Awards and take top prize as the premier awards show with the best fashion. That’s right. Every year like clockwork, these award shows compete to be the HBIC of presenting the best dressed group of overhyped and over dramatic people who insist on continually referring to themselves as “artists” and “thespians”. Oh, and then there is some kind of statue thingy or prize of some sort… something that they get or whatever. But… THAT IS ENTIRELY BESIDES THE POINT! What really matters, what really speaks to people all across our great Earth are not these films with average looking people who can read words off some piece of paper and then remember what those words are and then repeat them verbatim (sometimes with actual emotion), but what these people are W-E-A-R-I-N-G!!! Listen, good fashion will change your life. Trust. However, year after year, our eyeballs are forced to gaze upon these sunshine shunning, mediocre, tinseltown minions who insist on talking… and talking… and talking.. and talking about God knows what. Whew! As I have said before and will say again, when getting a statue thingy, all that needs to be accomplished is a walk to the stage for a quick (and I do mean real quick) photo opp. then off the stage you go in a matter of seconds. That way, we can all see what’s really important (i.e. what clothes you have on) and better yet, we don’t have to hear anyone speak. That’s a win-win for all of us!
Speaking of fashion, there was a lot of it, yes? Um… albeit, not all entirely good. But, but.. during this nightmare come to life there were some glimpses of hope in the form of fashion that didn’t completely ruin the retinas in our eyeballs. Yes, there were black tuxedos, midnight blue tuxedos, blue tuxedos, white dinner jackets, velvet dinner jackets, textured dinner jackets.. and tuxedos, and double-breasted jacket goodness. And luckily for you, I have spent too much time scouring the all over to place just to bring them to you! So, as you can see, all was not lost.
Alright my bowties, clutch your pearls and take a deep. long breath cause we are going down. Deep down into the darkest crevasses of your unconscious mind. Places that even Freddy Krueger himself said a “hell to the no” to. That’s right. The nightmare has returned. It’s the 47th Annual Golden Globe Awards, dare to scream!
Oh, and one more thing… for the 1 and 3/4 of you that actually read this blog and who may happen to be wondering where the hell I’ve been for like the last… well, year LOL, I’ll tell you. I’m a full-time graduate student now going for my 2nd mater’s degree and also working full-time which means… I have no life whatsoever and practically no time. Last year pretty much almost killed me, but now I think I might have a schedule down where I can actually update this blog, more than once a year ha! Okay, okay. On to the men…
Mr. Chris Pine is looking pretty dapper in my signature double-breasted tuxedo by Giorgio Armani
Mr. Eddie Redmayne is back and is still looking quite suave
Fashion designer turned Hollywood director, Mr. Tom Ford doesn’t disappoint
While his um… *cough, cough… relationship with Ms. Taytay Swifty-swift was uh.. rather swift, the same cannot be said for Mr. Tom Hiddleston’s choice of timeless fashion
Mr. Ryan Gosling has certainly been busy with promoting his new singing and dancing movie ‘La La Land” and preparing for another lil baby.. awwww. Let’s hope it looks as good as Mr. Gosling or Rachel Evans Wood does in a tuxedo
Mr. Jeremy Renner in BOSS
Mr. Matt Bomer
Mt. Christian Slater in Giorgio Armani
Mr. Milo Ventimiglia
Mr. Josh Henderson
Mr. Sterling K. Brown
Mr. Rami Malek
Mr. Ross Matthews
Mr. Riz Ahmed
Mr. Joel Edgerton in Brunello Cucinelli
Mr. AJ Gibson
Mr. Mel Gibson, what do we think bowties?
Mr. Chris Hemsworth
Mr. Matt Damon. Hmmm… bowties?
Mr. Collin Ferrell
Mr. Andrew Garfield
Mr. Casey Affleck
Mr. Dev Patel in Burberry
Mr. John Legend
Mr. Luke Bracey
Mr. Denzel Washington.. those shoes tho…
Mr. Michael Keaton
Mr. Warren Beatty
Mr. Mahershala Ali
Mr. David Schwimmer… looking rather business like… right? What do we think bowties?
Mr. Matt Duffer and Mr. Ross Duffer both in Burberry. TWINNING!
Mr. Jonah Hill in Prada… eh? I don’t know. Bowties?
Mr. J. J. Abrams
Mr. Jeffrey Dean Morgan.. without the bat
Mr. Cuba Gooding Jr. Ok that jacket is entirely way too small…*sigh* Otherwise…
Mr. Ryan Reynolds
Mr. Caleb McLaughlin, Mr. Finn Wolfhard, Mr. Noah Schnapp, & Mr. Gaten Matarazzo. These little dudes are looking suave. Good job and A+
Mr. Trevante Rhodes
Mr. Benjamin Millepied
Mr. John Travolta… looking better than I’ve seen in years. What do you think bowties?
Mr. Sam Taylor-Johnson
Mr. Nikolaj Costner Waldau
(images, Kevin Winter/Getty Images, Frazer Harrison/Getty Images, Venturelli WireImages, Jordan Strauss/Invision, Getty Images)
What do you think? Love my choices? Hate them? If you have a butthole then you have an opinion…and now would be a good time to share it! Comment below (but please be respectful).